(Note to reader... This is my continuation of the blog formerly known as Brought to You by the Letter AWESOME. I started that blog in 2010, and now we are in 2013. Do try to follow along.)
D is for Dark... and Foreboding (ignore the F). As in my future. As in considering that life goes on after the end of this semester, my cozy, warm, perfectly outlined semester. Two years--TWO YEARS--of working up to this, and I have finally found the college student within me for only a fleeting, shining moment. My desk, my chair, the zen calendar photos I disassembled many years ago (now hanging on my wall); all going to disappear at the end of April. What then? A new room? New roommates? A new walking route to campus? Will that even be possible in the frying-pan heat of Utah June? SWEET MERCY WILL THERE EVER BE CONSISTENCY?
No. No there will not be consistency. Because that is not who I am. I float, I tiptoe, and I disappear when the time is right... like Batman. I am not meant to be in one place, and I wouldn't know how to handle that, if given the choice of permanence.
That revelation is unsettling to me. I don't like change (Take note... I'm openly admitting to it). Change means things are no longer under my control. It means things will undeniably fall through the cracks, things will be left behind, things will get broken. For someone who strives for the ideal, those things are not acceptable. It terrifies me. I'm afraid I will be hurt in some way by change. Where did this come from? Why do I feel this way? Oh, wait... it's my anxiety disorder. Yeah...
What a lovely dark post. It really reflects the hour of the day and my mental status (grazi, head cold). How did I go from freakin' hysterical (in my long-gone youth of 2010) to the grim reaper? Well, at least in my mind I'm funny. If I'm not, I would appreciate you keeping your comments to yourself. I'm still working up to a decent level of self-esteem. I'm so much more confident in my writing than in my speaking, and I don't do much speaking these days...
Ah, well. I ought to go to bed. It's late (10 pm? Are you nuts? You're in college! Live a little!) and I'm tired.
Welcome back to my mind. Enjoy your stay.
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